making use of this blog

first big novel in a while: crime and punishment by dostoevsky

i've only bin getting hints all throughout the first two parts of why nietzsche considered him the greatest psychologist.
it's made obvious in the beginning how intelligent Raskolnikov is, yet nothing but incoherent streams of thought are presented, mainly because he is left to his own thoughts to battle. guess it shows who one's worst enemy is, or at least ought to be.
then nearing the end of part three of the book is where raskolnikov is finally forced to vindicate his own beliefs in a tirade which reveals such depth and insight it's almost uncharacteristic of the character presented hitherto. Here's a small excerpt that won't do the idea any justice, due to it's brevity:


"In short, I deduce that all, not only great men, but even those who are a tiny bit off the beaten track - that is, who are a tiny bit capable of saying something new - by their very nature cannot fail to be criminals - more or less, to be sure. Otherwise it would be hard for them to get off the beaten track, and, of course, they cannot consent to stay on it, again by nature, and in my opinion it is even their duty not to consent."


Raskolnikov believes there are only two kinds of people, the ordinary, who are the conservatives, and the extraordinary, men of the future who cannot but want to destroy the present order in place of a new yet incomprehensible (to the ordinary people) one. The presence of both is part of the natural order, which might be easy to understand, but what was novel and almost absurd in formulation was his belief that depending on the gravity of an idea or conviction, the extraordinary man is morally justified, even obliged, to follow his conscience, no matter how much blood must flow, and achieve his goal or greatness which is perhaps the true mark of humanity.
Whether he is legally justified is besides the question. If he gets caught, then he should deserve to suffer, for only great men suffer the insufferable, and feel the deepest sorrows.
perhaps a guideline to prevent misunderstanding (he mentions this later on in the speech):
what's differentiates the weak and the strong?
ordinary men kill things or people,
extraordinary men (overmen) kill ideas.

distracted during exam week

sometimes i just can't take my eyes off the TV

it's a learned habit i resent for being a child of the 21st century
growing up on nickelodeon, cartoon network and pirated vcds.

but this time i was sort of glad to give in. they showed
benjamin button on hbo. i had read the story once. pretty sad,
but it didn't hit me like it did a while ago. maybe it was
brad's innocent charm, or cate's timeless grace. some stories
are just best experienced through images and a soundtrack.
don't feel like writing anything special now, and no time too.
just wanted to share a funny experience.
as my thoughts were semi-trugding semi-racing along with a heavy
gut, i caught myself thinking about nietzsche again, and how its
these kind of fragrant thoughts he thought were the most important.
these sad colorful thoughts. yeah, he may not have gotten laid much
but he did have lou to put some color in that painful existence.

i randomly grabbed one of his books and flipped a random page.
funny that it flipped on one of his shorter and earlier works.
pretty relevant, pretty coincidental. it might interest you, it did me.

aphorism #251 of the book Mixed Opinions and Maxims

"In parting - Not how one soul comes close to another but how it moves
away shows me their kinship and how much they belong together."

i saw something amusing today.

as i was eating lunch with my girl a guy sits in the table beside us.
he looked familiar because i'm taking a history class with him
and he's one of those nice and quiet guys who could probably talk really well
if only it wasn't with anybody. i guessed, some science or computer major,
most likely plays a lot of magic, world of warcraft or some form of game wherein you can recreate yourself to become some supreme mage overlord if only you had enough eye stamina to get to level eleventyfive.

anyway, he sets his bag down to reserve his temporary throne for the next 30 or so minutes and sets off to buy some food. comes walking back with a plate full of the staple man lunch when not in the mood for anything particular, shomai and a single scoop of rice (not double, to my surprise). he stops in his tracks when he spots invaders who had the nerve to sit right next to an obvious marker of territory. sets his plate down at the opposite end of me and kaks' table, quickly grabs his bag and places it on the chair. at this point he takes off mysteriously, only to come back a few minutes later right before the rice gets too cold for comfort. again, the boy surprises me by bringing with him two more dishes, chopsuey and a club sandwich i think. must have been a good day for him. long awaited level up or skill gained? maybe aced the wire and electronics long test?

i could have swore i saw it, or it may have just been something i conjured up in my head to amuse myself, but as he sat down, i think he took a whole second to just admire the feast he had procured for himself. it was an eye smile, the sort only people who know you enough, or are judgemental enough, can spot. i saw it. and right before he presumed the attack, almost like a prayer or post-battle cry he pumped his right arm in a proud, victorious yet subtle manner and beneath his lips i could, or would have read, "yessss" only i comically imagined "yata."

it was there i spotted the will to power. in a small, common yet hardly common-place corner. i saw it in a boy, in his over-whelming joy and energy emanating from a hunger yet contained within the bounds of his skin. it was a primal carnage subliminated into the etiquette of spoons and forks, but a carnage nonetheless. it was the celebration of enslavement to necessity. we do it all the time, but its nice to see it manifest as it had today.

cheers to you my awkward dionysus! this first one's for you.